Archive for March, 2004

A Private Club

The vantage point with the highest altitude in this little mountain town is the press box above the football field. I hesitate to call the place a “stadium” as this is a liberal arts school and we can afford with neither our finances nor our concern to create such a thing. A few of us scraped the flesh of our palms on the top of the chain link fence, sneaking in. One of us got stuck between two of the metal fence panels. We sprinted the field, climbed the stands, lifted ourselves and our alcoholic cargo through the window of the press box and up the ladder to the roof. Thanks to the nearby aluminum processing plant, only the strongest of constellations could compete with the glare and the haze, but it was a nice night.

Mark, my old roommate from two years ago, he was there with us, visiting as an alumni turned congressional assistant. I turned to him, immediately returning to the kind of conciliatory manner that comes from cohabitation, and I said “isn’t it nice. The press box. The bar we have here.” Ian, who is a professional bartender, did what he could with the materials at hand. “To truly enjoy the freedom of the press, and all the liberties there implied” I guess I’d had a few “And to observe, and record. . . what goes on here?” Surely, Mark agreed, there are better places on the planet to put a press box than atop the scene of something so stupid as football, or worse, the games played here at night.

“Someone should name this new place,” he said. He was looking at me.

You don’t name things from the press box. You describe them.

Starving Hysterical Naked

I remember a lecture from creative writing class. When Nick died I came to the professor, in the middle of my mess, to tell him that I wouldn’t make it to class on the day of the funeral. When I came back, he read, for me, no, for Nick – He read “Howl,” by Alan Ginsberg. You know the poem:

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,

dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,

angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night…

This same professor, showed me, once, the early paintings of Vincent VanGough. And the story, poor man! He never once, in his lifetime, saw the sale of even one of his paintings, which are now, of course, considered masterpieces the world over. His early paintings were startlingly unlike those masterpieces. They are dark and grim. They are dismal and boring. They are something like Edgar Alan Poe, set to canvas, but without any poetry. My advisor showed me the last of the paintings, on a postcard, and then he showed me the very next painting he made. The thing positively explodes with an impossible, a glorious yellow. Yellow was Nick’s least favorite color. In fact, he detested it quite furiously, as all of his furies were fierce, in their own way. What happened to Vincent? How could he possibly have gone from that first kind of painter to the second, from miseries to masterpieces?

Vincent VanGough had a father who loved him very dearly, wanted nothing but the absolute best for him. His father wanted him to work in the ministry, where he would be excellently well cared for and where he can do something of real significance for the world. Vincent tried, and failed. He had this other thing that he did, and all the time that he did it, he could probably hear his father in the back of his mind, saying to him discouraging things, reminding him of money and prosperity. After all, these paintings of him — they never sold, not a one of them. The reasonable thing for his father to do was to discourage him from something fruitless in the hopes that he might blossom somewhere else. His father grew bitter with Vincent. Then, his father died.

Free from that voice in the back of his mind, Vincent discovered a certain quality of yellow, one he had not been at peace enough to see previously, he discovered other things too, things it must ahve taken courage to relate. After all, his painting of the starry dynamo, it was quite unconventional considering the penchant for cotton candy paintings that ran rampant at that time.

It looks to me like you have three options in life. You can be “destroyed by madness,” You can capitulate to the voice of a critic, taking it into you, swallowing it — or you can look toward a brave yellow, even if you’re hungry, even if you’re poor.

Pandemonium

My sister has this neighbor. he’s an ex marine, demolitions expert, who found himself in a dispute with the government over his “property.” He’s a gun collector. The stress proved too much for him. He holed up in his house, girlfriend in tow, and torched the place. Paramedics and firefighters rushed to the scene just as my sister was driving toward her own driveway a few houses away. She stopped to allow the emergency vehicles through. A paramedic ran out, and fell from a gun shot. gunshots everywhere, automatic guns. My sister had to run, with my baby nephew in tow, away from the place, just as it exploded, higher than the helicopters.